But I don't think you two are a good match either way if this is such an issue for you. Sounds like he's obv invested more in his fam (but, moms fault, his too). Now if you just like this guy but you're happy to throw in the towel, cut your losses now. I was looking for this comment for the justnomil. JJ Heller on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! Five This is the best comment in the thread. It got so weird at times, and I really questioned what was going on. Believe it or not, the answer is contained in the relationship you have with yourself. It isn't the healthiest solution but it was all he could do to get out of that terrible situation, and that only seemed possible because of our relationship. You might not like my opinion and my language might be a bit strong, but you're being very incosiderate towards him. Sometimes our conversations felt really generic or that he was too busy. You don't have to save this relationship, its hard and there are crazy circumstances right now which make it much harder. So many ridiculous referrals to justnoMIL when this girl isnt even physically dating this guy; just talking to him on the phone. But it's just the mother is dumping her responsibilities on her children. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. Plus the he has to pay for food he eats. Like she demands him to go to the grocery store weekly (and complains about him eating certain things and wants him to pay her back etc), makes him go to other stores to fetch her products for her business when she could easily do it herself? As another comment said, deep in FOG. by WebAccept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. The golden rule when bringing up tricky and confrontational conversations is always to use I feel language. To my knowledge, he hasnt had a girlfriend since (5 years later). A caring son could also mean a caring husband. She's not, but she's given up 20 years of her life to live with the mom, take care of the mom, and do everything for the mom. This, OP, he needs to get out of the FOG and this sub might help him. It was almost impossible for me to get turned on by someone who I had just reprimanded for forgetting to take out the garbage. I think if you can't be with someone who is going to be busy and sometimes can't give you their full attention then I suggest that you talk to him about how you feel and that you can't be in that kind of relationship. by Its become the norm for his family to just not give him any privacy, which is why moving out would probably be the easiest way for him to set those boundaries moving forward. He shouldn't fix whatever is happening at home to give YOU full attention, you should want him to fix it for his sake and his happiness and mental health, and not just so you could get talk to him whenever you want it. I'd think he'd probably need help to learn how to set boundaries with his mom and siblings. Do you feel like you have to sacrifice your happiness to keep his mother happy? He is with her often, and while she doesn't call the shots, he is constantly touching base with her. 1. Is it a deal-breaker for you, are you prepared to live with it, or are you prepared to stick around longer in the hopes you can get through to your boyfriend for him to make changes? At the same time, and adult should have the right to negotiate how much time they are contributing and how to get time for themselves. All positives, no? It sounds like OP is already trying to change this guy and she isnt really dating him. Heres how acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend changed everything: It Killed the Romance. It's hard to say what the future will look like. This is especially true if youre trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner while dealing with his unhealthy relationship with his mother. His mom has basically conditioned him to this type of behaviour. Do you see the problem? He is probably worried for what may happen to his brothers if he leaves as well. He holds a grudge at any and all costs, so involving yourself with him would mean catering to his needs. Honestly I was expecting this to be like he cuts her grass every weekend or some shit. Here's what made me raise an eyebrow: Weve already had a few arguments about him always being occupied and a lack of effort to which he has made a point to call/text everyday. It's the first person he had a close and connected relationship with (in most cases) and is, in many circumstances, the person who shaped his values and outlook on the world. Should I end things with him? May 1, 2023, 7:41 pm, by The first few months in a relationship are the foundation upon which you build the rest of it. Before you get honest with him, you need to be honest with yourself. Cause if you both do then why throw him away when he's clearly about to move out as soon as the coronavirus situation makes it easier for him to do so. And whats the solution to dating someone who is in a codependent relationship with their mom? Step two would be to get him out of the FOG, gently getting him to recognise all the above and see how unhealthy it is. talk it through with him. What does she think family is for, if not going grocery shopping once a week to lighten the load lol. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said, many thave said it well. Yes I dont understand this either. I asked my husband for some time alone with him, but he said Never gonna happen. But he will just try to balance both and fail unless he actually misses out on his own life because of his acceptance that this is just his life. Maybe his mom is too demanding, he should probably move out and become more independent. His dad picked us up (it was only 30 mins away). If you love him or like him enough that you can envision growing old together etc then you have a long road ahead of you which starts with recognising how wrong the situation in his home is. Yes, this man will dote on you and spoil you. Girl!!! He's a hustler and a great businessman but has the bite of a rattlesnake. And for the record, getting his act together is his responsibility not his mothers. Sorry you have to deal with a woman like that. You cannot except him to be free anytime soon and if you get mad and push him it will only make it harder for him. It's her. You have to remember to take care of yourself. It took distancing herself, and accepting the fact that she wasnt supposed to be my mom before she fully got to setting boundaries to my mom who wasnt taking care of me and was expecting her to. but it's not normal that he's can't take a set amount of time to have a private call. Also, his siblings should NOT be calling him "Daddy"- that's just fucked up and weird. I'd say that he might like it. Has it caused arguments? No one should have to feel not valued by someone they love if your spouse treats you like That can be annoying. When he needed your help, all you did was get upset. Normal boundaries start to blur. Updated: Dec. 11, 2020. I'm getting some catfishing vibes. Im sure it is an incredibly frustrating situation for you. Far too often, we are on shaky ground with our own selves and this carries over into toxic relationships that become hell on earth. You said "he doesn't even get to breathe" in response to all things his mom makes him do, and then when he does get a chance to catch a breath, you demand his full attention. His mom was in the middle of cooking taco beef. Okay this is weird. My cousin, who lived a similar life, got cancer and died in her 40s (before her mom), having never dated, having given all her money to her mother, and having really never even had friends as an adult. i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). His mom probably knows more about his relationships than a romantic partner would like, but if his mom doesn't like the person he loves, he's quick to tell her to back the F up if need be. Far too often we chase an idealized image of someone and build up expectations that are guaranteed to be let down. He cant see how weird it is because its just his life to him. I know Im 38 and have my own kids, when my mom is in town she isnt all that concerned if Im on the phone and she wants to tell me something quick. This past year I've watched as a friend's mom turned on her, threw her out, and decided that she was the cause of all the mom's trouble. Im sorry OP, I hope Im wrong and it works out, but I truly think this type of person is toxic and will ruin your relationship. to Detach Your Husband From His Mother I feel for him. My parents rely on my for a lot of shit and often times I do feel like a mom to them- my parents dont speak english well so I take care of a lot of school stuff etc, but my siblings would never call me mom (unless its a joke). It stops being anywhere near reasonable when his own brothers are calling him Daddy That is fucked up. Do you love him and does he love you? But just know that in any relationships your not going to be able to give full or constant attention all the time. There is very little privacy between them. It started to smolder and so she tried to take the bag out. He wants to move out, right? Lachlan Brown Yes, but it might take his being dumped by a series of girlfriends for him to get it. As someone who is the youngest of six who was in a household like this, I 100% agree. It's normal for him, apparently. If you are so upset with his actions then I think you have your answer. He has a tumultuous relationship with his mother that is rooted from day one, and it's not pretty. And of all the baggage you can have this is relatively minor. We dated for a few years and it progressively got worse. Good luck. Frankly I can't tell if he's way to attached to his mother and you're 100% justified, or if you're a selfish girl who is jealous of his reasonable time and attention to his family, The answer is likely somewhere in between. WebMy point is, a woman like your boyfriends mother will become very jealous of you. Oh yes. No it doesnt. It's also fairly normal for older children, e.g. Until then, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask the adult child to help the household. WebThe 20-year-old, who's dedicated numerous Reddit posts to her boyfriend's mum, described her as a traditional stay at home mom, with the mindset that women take care of their men Is his mother a narcissist? People can surprise you, is all. I agree with this so much! As I continued to date him, I saw from the outside how pervasive his relationship was with his daughter. Are you the other woman to a guy whose wife and kids keep interrupting him? But if you can work around that till both of you can have your own place and spend more quality time together then go ahead. What To Do When You Hate Your Boyfriend's Mom - Betches It's called boundaries. He's unable or unwilling to set boundaries with his mother and you want more attention from a boyfriend. You're already feeling neglected, and I've found that when huge issues like this are present this early in a relationship, they simply never go away, regardless of how much things may change in the future. 9 years old asking help of older brother with food is nothing outrageous either. Now her sibling is being taken in as the new golden child while she has been thrown out on her ass with no savings, a crap work history, a series of broken relationships, and nothing to show for her time since high school. Honestly at the end of day what matters is that you are both happy in the relationship. Look depending on how much you like this guy, you have two options. Walk away. I don't trust OP's narrative on this point. Honestly. This happened about 6 months into us dating. it's not normal that his mom seems helpless and that he carries a lot of the burden of the household. This causes more problems because the codependent individual can end up taking over the life of the other person. If A Guy Is Treating You Like His Mom, It's Because You're Letting how often does he think he would be running errands or spending time with his family once he moves out? It's a little annoying. RELATED: 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One). Youve been thinking to yourself my boyfriend is codependent with his mother. Seriously. I had an ex very similar to how OP describes, for the first year I noticed how close he and his mother were but made excuses for it internally and thought we all managed quite well - I visited her and his sister a bunch of times alone while my ex was deployed and all seemed fine. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. 1- Does he see it as an issue? I love her to death and she is one of my best friends, but she shouldnt have had to feel like she needed to be that for me. Its not husband-ey or incestuous at all. They are strangely protective of each other. She doesnt think he should have to do weekly shopping trips. Instead, if you want to pursue this relationship, you should be as un-demanding as possible. At the heart of it, you're upset that he can't devote much time to you, or give you full attention when you're trying to talk.
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