"Nothing, they fast! ", he snarls, "One hundred points from Gryffindor., Student: Yesterday we ate the chicken that used to wake me up, Kevin: I think John is having an affair with my wife., A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. What bone will a dog never eat? Days? Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. Carl had this problem of always being late for work. ", "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing. Sundae school. What does a baby computer call his father? "Nothing, it's on the house. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns. Oh, and if youre one of these unapologetically late people, please, for the love of god, get your f*cking sh*t together. Its a good thing he drives a Civic. "A deodor-ant. You did not eat the banana! Its not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base., Thats right, Feghoot went on smoothly. Did you know that the first french fries werent cooked in France? If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and youre a total hero. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me. They just log on. ", "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. Explanation: "Drei"pronounced "dry"is German for "three . ", "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? "It didn't have the guts. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. It was impossible to put down! I answered, Its me talking to my beer., Siri, I asked my phone, why am I so bad with women?" With Chex. At the job interview, they asked me, Where do you see yourself in five years?. "Yellow! To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now. Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn't do. I know this because when I posted on Facebook, Im getting a divorce, she was the first one to like it. My whole life I thought he was a theoretical physicist.A comma. Surely this time the machine would do its job? "It's to look at.". What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? There's been more and more rule 6 reports as of late, so this should help clear up a lot of that. ", "How do you make a Kleenex dance? "A satisfactory. Spoiled milk. That would be a big step forward." "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!" ", "What's the best thing about Switzerland?" ", "Dad, did you get a haircut?" Add these brilliant one-liners and puns to your repertoire, and you'll be on your way to matching dad's pun-king status in no time. 3. Whats he going to change nexthis hair? Spring is here! They walk a razor-thin line between wit and dumb humor, equal parts cheesy and hilarious. Post must be a pun and must be explained. I had a happy childhood. But more importantly, we knew it would've made our dad laugh. tl;dr explain every single pun you make or else it gets removed. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. He simply said, "No." His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. ", "What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" Im addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. No sparks, no burning, nothing. ", I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion but he always rose to the challenge. ", "What happens when M&Ms cant agree on anything?" I'm doing a double shift. 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". I heard a story once about a train driver. How do nonbinary people hurt each other? I got so excited I wet my plants! My wife left a note on the fridge that said, This isn't working. Im not sure what shes talking about. "I didn't know it was on fire. "Tell me! Thats usually the biggest tell. Which is faster, hot or cold? He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in" and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything.". I asked. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable. But I still hear my wifes bickering between songs. It's a faux pa. Did you hear about the circus fire? Fruit flies like a banana. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. I just found out Albert Einstein existed. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Why didnt the astronaut come home to his wife? "You follow the fresh prints. ", "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed! ", "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Keep the dream alive, and hit the snooze button. What's the name of my cheese? Well, when a dad becomes a dad, his sense of humor becomes apparent too. Summer dad jokes are hot this time of year, kids. We, A son tells his father, I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says, You know, you could do better. Thanks Dad, the son says. They read the Moo-spaper. He put up a brave fight, but ultimately the muggers overpowered and beat him up, then proceeded to go through his pockets. One of these 160+ nerdy and smart jokes is sure to make your little mad scientist smile. Nobody knows. Unbelievable. "Why?" No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie. "An impasta. Dad jokes are more than funny jokes that happen to be told by men with kids. My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. That means a lot. The father shakes his head and goes, I was talking to your girlfriend., Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. Yes, fine, it didnt help my dad live longer, but I know for a fact that he was laughing on the last day of his life, and that seems like the best possible way to leave this mortal coil. I asked my eighteen brothers and sisters but they didnt have any idea either. ", "I like telling Dad jokes. I'm just doing it for kicks! My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. I'll have one beer and a mop. Nacho cheese. ", "What country's capital is growing the fastest?" A Salesman is Late for an important meeting, but as he is driving around looking for a parking spot, he realises they are all taken. The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. They'd crack each other up. My weather guys said the forecasts were going to be late, Called my manager to let him know I was gonna be late. I said no, I want them all cut. It was clogged. These are guaranteed to earn some groans. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and hell fly for the rest of his life. His face? "With angry, irritable bowels." It made us laugh. is the least romantic line a toll-collector ever said to his girlfriend. However, they hear of a party going on. ", So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town werent very sympathetic. ", "What kind of car does an egg drive?" i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip. Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? ", "What do you call a belt made of watches?" Just look at that couple down the road, a wife told her husband. Well, when Abe Lincoln was, A father tells his son that he was adopted. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). 40 Chemistry Jokes Even Non-Geeks Will Find Hilarious. I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that its perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. ", "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Ridiculously bad.So bad that people are left shaking their heads. What does a pampered cow give? Subpoena colada. For the sake of cleaning up a lot of my mod queue, whenever you make a post, explain it. Me neither, I couldn't follow it. I'm feeling cannelloni right now. I don't trust stairs. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" I told her I might be running late and asked if we could make it 6:38 instead? . Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray." Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass." Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. If prisoners could take their own mug shotsTheyd be called cellfies. And as you can see, they were Wright. Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? With angry, irritable bowels.. Reminder: Please don't include the punchline in the topic. If so, you've come to the right place because the joke's on us literally. Did you find her!?" My buddy's response: "Sounds like he had a rare run in with the You'll Be Later Alligator. ", "What did the vet say to the cat?" ", "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since. The bushes. I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation.". I told him its not polite to fish and tell. Being an Emmy-winning comedy actor doesn't mean you've got jokes in real life. What do you call a wizard who's really bad at football? What did the left eye say to the right? Eclipse it. This is your Captain speaking. You planet. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again. My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. ", "What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know. My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded. How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Live stream. They both study pretty hard. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine. While this has helped me with jobs and deadlines, it did not prepare me for dealing with the other 98% of people Id meet who for whatever reason simply cannot show up on time for anything. View in gallery. Please remember when posting to /r/puns that the punchline should be in the post itself, not the topic. ", "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Walking into the theater the usher noticed a hippy was laying passed out, sprawled across several rows of chairs. I've been really struggling lately and nothing seems to be going right so my friend directed me to www.conjunctivitis.com. ", "What did the zero say to the eight?" "Eclipse it. I needed a running start, but I made it. Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long: Two clowns were watching the late evening news. My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. Whats Forrest Gumps password? You have my Word! Not to brag but I made six figures last year. We would say it's when. The cashier said never mind. Like my grandfather used to say, If youre not 10 minutes early, youre late. I had punctuality engrained in me from an early age. I can do it with my eyes closed. ", "Which state has the most streets? How do trees get online? I was just a little too late with the shovel Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late. Hold its nose! He said nothing. "I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed.". Cause my stomach was upset and I was stuck in the bathroom. ", "When does a joke become a dad joke? "It takes its cloves off. "St. Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell. Add spring water. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, Im sorry, but you only have ten left. The patient asks him, Ten what, Doc? Why did the gym close down? "They're filled with common cents. Turns out, good players are hard to find. What do you call a singing laptop? Everybody loves a good joke, especially dads, for we are a special breed of joke-teller. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. If you enjoyed this full comedy special from Andy Woodhull, chances are you'll enjoy our other comedy specials as well, and you can watch them for FREE right. Tom slept well and in fact beat, th. That belt looks good on you. The officer then asks, "Really? They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Its days are numbered. So thank you to all of you here. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. I can't believe I have nothing to chauffer it. ", "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Depresso. Im a. I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. I told her when it comes to humility I'm #1. Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! He died as he lived, wed say, nodding meaningfully. Tank who? I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late.". A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. Biting into an apple and finding. To get his quarter back. It sounds pretty sweet. "No, I got them all cut! The mayor was supposed to hold a speech at the beginning, but as always he had more important matters at hand. Get ready for the eye rolls, because we're coming in hot. When does a joke become a dad joke? Because theyre afraid of getting the cold shoulder! A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. It was pointless. Time flies like an arrow. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks. Saturday and Sunday. (Is your grandmother funny? The man replies, "That would be my wife.". He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.. The same thing as Arkansas. They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Lately, my wife has been getting on my case and saying that Im being intense. I poured root beer in a square glass. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since its riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. A literalist takes everything literally. The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was two tired. He decides to check it out. Can you just tell me honestly where did this world come from?, He asked his father "How have you been lately?". He opens the door and tells him Namaste. ", "What do you call a fake noodle?" "Sure," I said. This time, 23 people. A garbage truck. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious. I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. Why are cannibals afraid of being late to the party? Age is clearly a word. ", "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef? Which bear is the most condescending? I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop. Apparently its as big as the last two put together. Because they are so knotty. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. How did the mom figure out her son dirtied his diaper? As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. I dont get why Marvel doesnt use the Hulk to advertise more. When she first started teaching . I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands. Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. He couldnt see himself doing it. What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password? Time flies like an arrow. If you have a 6:30 appointment, you can always be late by a couple of minutes. A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. I'll let you know", "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" Never mindit's tearable. Talk is cheap until you talk to a lawyer. So it wasnt really a fair bet., But the second clown replied, I know. So, naturally, my only response has been to adopt a pitiful look and steeple my hands above my head until she rolls her eyes and walks off! A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby, said Feghoot. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. That would be a big step forward. He returns to the old hen for advice. Boo-berries. Grass. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. Im not too worried, I think shes jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf. He put his arm around the mom and said, Thats arson., Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. Im afraid we have lost one of our engines so well be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination, announces the Captain. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. Live stream. ", "Why is Peter Pan always flying?" A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. But coming to this sub warms my heart. Its days are numbered." "My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. Thank you all :D I'll be sure to let her read the replies! Hot, because you can catch a cold. Baker: I'm sorry love, I won't be home till late. The bartender asks, "Dry?". What makes a joke a dad joke? People must be dying to get in there I thought. Shes previously written for Brides and Redbook. Never date a tennis player. The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake. Last night, my wife was talking about her "late" Aunt Carol, when I finally figured out why. My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep in until there are pancakes. So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! And he, he said, turning to his students, is clearly the gradi. We know your type: You can't get enough of corny (but awesome) dad jokes whether you're the deliverer or receiver. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m, He was feeling pretty horny as he woke up with a raging boner, so he decided to use the last 10 minutes of recess to masturbate so he could get rid of it. Dad Jokes For Work 1. ", "A cheeseburger walks into a bar. I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. What kind of fruit do ghosts like? Dawn is tough on Greece. When it becomes apparent. formerly rule 6 was: Post must be a pun and must be explained in the comments. ", "How do you make a tissue dance? Cookies collect information about your preferences and your devices and are used to make the site work as you expect it to, to understand how you interact with the site, and to show advertisements that are targeted to your interests. Extra points if you, like many of us, have forgotten the art of small talk. This is a story about one of my favorite dad jokes. Click here for more information. Data. As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ", "Why did the math book look so sad? The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down." His clothes? If that's the case, you will all be fit and well through this life and the next by the time you finish reading our compendium of the 150 best dad jokes. It's impossible to put down! My wife remarked, "she looks high as shit! ", I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I gave birth zero times and I dont fit in my pants from March. Christian Bale. So you see, he finished, eyes twinkling, Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay., Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "No," I said. ", "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" Joe- I lost my 2 dollars and was searching for it. ", "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? A two-knee fish! But catscan. Spoiled milk! 151 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Pretty Funny Lucie Turkel Updated: Apr. One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. Wanna hear a joke about paper? "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels. Cows go who? But I didnt think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!, http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/betting-on-the-man-jumping-off-a-ledge/. 10 tickles. They work on so many levels. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Its days are numbered. I don't know y. ", "How do you make 7 even?" ", Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. If a pig loses its voicedoes it become disgruntled? Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. ", "I don't trust stairs.
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